“I shouldn’t be feeling this way.”

Negative emotions not allowed.

We often try to think our emotions away, but this of course doesn’t work. It seems, in reality, to only make matters worse. Do you try and think your emotions away?

In my practice as a counselor, I often witness clients judging themselves for feeling the way that they do. Sometimes they will even say, “I shouldn’t be feeling this way.” 

But if we look at that statement from a cognitive behavioral perspective it is actually a distorted thought called a should statement. Should statements are unrealistic demands or rules that we place on ourselves. It is a good example of faulty thinking. Maybe you recognize this is something you have said to yourself. 

Often when this sort of thinking comes up in session my first thoughts are “What makes you think you are not supposed to feel the way you feel?” “How do you know that you're not supposed to feel that way?” 

The even crazier part is that 9 out of 10 times when this type of thinking comes up, the person is in a somewhat challenging situation that they have never in their life been in. So that then begs the question, how could you have known how you were going to feel or how you were going to handle the situation? The expectation they are placing on themselves in the situation is clearly unrealistic. 

Our natural tendency is to reject, push or think our feelings away as if they are not valuable. But they are so valuable. We also expect to control how and when our emotions show up. This is partly due to an unwillingness to get to know our feelings and a mental attitude that really categorizes them as inconvenient. And that is sad. 

Here is some examples of emotions surfacing for different situations that make sense;

Grief after the loss of an important attachment. This could be a job, a person, a home, a relationship. 

Anger may show up if you feel undervalued or underestimated. It can show up when you feel someone has pushed past your boundaries, anger may signal it is time to reestablish them. 

Sadness can show up after loss, when you are having to come to terms with a tough reality, or when you are in need of support. 

You may feel frustrated when you are not happy with how things are going and it may be the motivator to change things. 

It would be nice if we could transition into seeing how valuable our emotions are instead of rejecting them.

If we look at grief, it seems, maybe more than any emotion, that grief is one that people try to intellectualize and control. Some people even say, “I have not allowed myself to grieve properly.” Which indicates there is an awareness of trying to keep grief away. 

We tend to try to control how and when it shows up, but it seems that the more we try to control it the more distress we seem to put ourselves through. When a person moves into acceptance and makes room for their grief things change. It appears that the struggle gets a little easier as if there is now a flow instead of a block, even though it will be hard no matter what. 

Right now, it is still more common to put up a wall with our emotions, but it could be beneficial to learn some new ways of relating to your feelings because feelings don’t just go away.  

Be curious.

Instead of saying “I don’t want to be feeling this, this sucks.” You could say “this is interesting.” Being curious about your emotions changes the struggle, it seems to lessen it. It can also decrease the intensity. If you track your emotions in your body they seem to retreat. 

How do they feel? Is it warm, tingly, sharp, painful? Where is it, throat, chest, stomach, arms? What are the emotions signaling for you to do?

Are your feelings trying to help you to grow, process, let go, set a boundary, take action? What is it?

Check your thinking. 

Are you saying to yourself, “I shouldn’t be feeling this way.” Are you making unrealistic demands on yourself? Albert Ellis (creator of REBT) said if you can be aware of your thinking it can greatly increase your power to change it. If you can change the way you think you can change how you feel. If you are placing unrealistic demands on yourself that are causing more distress, become aware of them and change them. Reframe them. 

“I shouldn’t be feeling this way” could change to “It makes total sense that I feel this way, even though I don’t want to be.” “I am having some feelings right now, this must mean I am human.” 

When you interpret your feelings as not supposed to be happening, it can definitely make a bad situation worse. If I become angry about something but do not allow for anger, then I will notice my anger then I will feel bad about myself for feeling it. Two for the price of one.

Your feelings may signal a need. 

Based on what you are feeling, figure out what you are needing. Is it support, time alone, validation, change of environment?

Feeling your feelings can be a scary thing but it does not have to be. Start by being curious. What this means is you tune into your body and figure out where your emotions are showing up and how they are behaving. Describe what's happening. Keeping them at bay will not help you get to know them, and the more you get to know them the less scary they are.

If you want to be physically fit you go to the gym and work out, lift weights you don’t avoid the weights. If you want to become emotionally fit, avoiding your emotions will not help you. You have to be willing to acknowledge your feelings, look at them, get to know them and you will gain emotional strength. Being physically strong is great but life also calls us to be emotionally strong too.

Conclusion

Trying to think your feelings away may work momentarily but in the long run it makes things more challenging. If you recognize that you are saying to yourself “I shouldn’t be feeling this way,” you may be placing unrealistic demands on yourself. Our emotions hold value and help us move through different places in life. But if we try to control them or push them away it can make these moments harder. You can change how you relate to your emotions by changing the way you think about them, becoming curious about them, and see if you can discern the message they are trying to bring to you.

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References

Burns, D. D. (2007). When panic attacks: The new, drug-free anxiety therapy that can change your life. Harmony Books. 

McLaren, Karla (2010). The Language of Emotions: What your feelings are trying to tell you. Soundstrue.